I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
