I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize