I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
