are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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