i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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