i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
It's just like the Real World with babies
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
