And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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