I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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