Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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