never play flip cup with pint glasses
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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