This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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