I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
