Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
