Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize
