Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
