Im at strip club and am horny
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Randomize
