Im at strip club and am horny
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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