I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
