So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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