Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I hate all girls vehemently.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
