this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
