seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
