just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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