You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
