More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize