The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
