her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
