I hate all girls vehemently.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
