My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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