6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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