I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
