Got a toothbrush?
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
