I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Randomize
