That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
