does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just want nice things and good sex
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
