Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize