I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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