I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize