This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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