my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
