what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
