I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
