His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
