Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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