I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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