I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
