so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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