Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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