I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
