it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
