i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
