At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
