hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
