It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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