he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
