she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
