Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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