I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
