isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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