Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
