So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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